No matter who you are, what kind of sex you like to have, or who you like to have sex with, the concept of sideness—the side ethos, so to speak—holds some very important insights for those who have sex that are worth considering. of all kinds. While it decenters the penetrative relationship as the end-all, be-all that constitutes “real” sex, the side mindset (side view?) embodies a non-hierarchical, less goal-oriented approach to pleasure. All forms of erotic touch and play are valued equally— that’s something everyone can benefit from it in bed.

Read on for everything you need to know about what taking a side means, how it’s done, and why the term is so important; not just for gay men who identify with this description, but for sexuality as a whole.

What is a Side?

TL;DR: “A partner is someone who does not enjoy giving or receiving penetrative anal sex as their main form of pleasure or intimacy, usually a gay man,” says certified sex therapist Casey Tanner, sex expert lelo. “Unlike people who identify as tops or bottoms to indicate their preferred role during anal penetration, those who identify as sides often communicate that they most enjoy activities such as oral sex, crafts, will surroundmutual masturbation and more.

What Do Parties Like in Bed?

Short answer: Parties can be interested in literally any sexual activity other than penetrative sex (especially penetrative). anal sexin the traditional gay male context of the term). But what exactly any party is interested in can look wildly different from one party to another.

“While parties are united in their desire to not get stuck in anticipation of anal sex, their other sexual preferences vary greatly from person to person,” says Tanner. “Activities that the parties may enjoy include oral sex, mutual masturbation, kissing, rubbing, bdsmand/or more verbal forms of sexual intimacy.”

Kort notes that although parties are not, by definition, oriented toward anal penetration, some may still enjoy other anal activities, such as rimming or even giving or receiving penetration with the fingers. toys.

Can Parties Still Have Anal/Penetrative Sex?

While one party’s defining characteristic may be a preference for giving or receiving anal sex, like everything else related to sex, it’s on a spectrum. According to Kort, some parties may define themselves as follows: verseThis means that they may be interested in hitting the top or bottom sometimes or under certain circumstances.

“For example, one party may be uninterested in exploring penetration with new partners but be open to combining it with someone they are dating long-term,” explains Tanner. “Comfort with penetration may depend on the location of sex, the emotional bond between partners, or how the person is feeling on any given day.”

Tanner also notes that, as with any sexual preference or identity, one’s relationship to being partial or how one experiences or defines that identity may change over time, and that’s totally okay! Remember, labels are there to make people feel seen and included, not to include or exclude anyone from a particular identity.

Who Can Be a Party?

The term was created for gay men and continues to be primarily associated with this community, but anyone of any gender or sexual background who does not view penetrative intercourse as part of their sexual life can identify with the term.

“Although the term ‘side’ originated primarily within gay male communities, the identity has also gained traction among others who are most satisfied with forms of intimacy other than penetrative sex,” says Tanner. “For example, some in the broader queer community feel that the term is useful for describing specific sexual roles, boundaries, or preferences beyond just sexual orientation.”

As our understanding of the many forms sex and sexuality can take continues to grow and change on both a personal and societal level, so do the words we use to talk about it. “Language around sexuality is constantly evolving, and we will likely continue to see terms originating in one community adopted by others to suit them,” says Tanner.

This fluidity of language reflects the fluidity of the identities and experiences it describes.

“For many, taking sides is about embracing what feels good without feeling pressured to follow a traditional script,” says Tanner. “This pleasure-centered approach to sex allows for more bonding, comfortable and intimate experiences between partners, regardless of the identities of those involved.”

I think this is something that everyone, parties and others, can participate in.

Kayla Kibbe (she/her) is Cosmopolitan USA’s Associate Sex & Relationships Editor, where she covers all things sex, love, dating, and relationships. He lives in Astoria, Queens, and if you bring it up he probably won’t stop talking about how great it is. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram.