For many couples, the idea of ​​involving a third party in their intimate relationship is scary or out of the question.

Luckily, the stigma associated with couples therapy and counseling is about to disappear. Healthy couples are getting help from counseling professionals to help them overcome the big and small sticky spots in their marriages, and they’re better at it.

Getting started can be difficult, though. Here are tips to help you decide if marriage therapy is right for you, how to talk about it with your partner, how to maximize your experience, and make sure it works when you get there.

Here are 5 questions to ask yourself before planning couples therapy, says a psychologist.

1. When is it time to seek the help of a specialist?

Some people seek out a professional when their pain becomes too much to manage or when facing the current reality (and their situation) is too overwhelming. When others start looking for a therapist They recognize negative patterns in their marriage.

Marriage therapy can take a variety of forms and offers a way to break patterns, create change, and find something different in life. explained by research inside History of Professional Marriage and Family Therapy.

When you cannot find solutions to the problems you are experiencing, the questions you are asking, or the goal you are trying to achieve in your marriage does not come together despite all your efforts, it would be wise to seek the help and guidance of a professional. efforts. If you’ve been reaching your goal for six months or more and you’re still not seeing the progress you want, then definitely seek help.

2. We need therapy, but how can I get my partner involved?

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It is not uncommon for one partner to show greater interest or motivation in couples counseling. One way to bring up therapy, especially if you have met with an individual counselor, is to tell your partner that his or her involvement would be helpful (i.e., offer the therapist another perspective).

Caution: If you have been seeing someone individually for several months or longer, partner resistant You’re even afraid to visit your therapist. If that’s the case, give them the task of finding someone they like for you both to see.

Another way to talk to your partner is to tell him that you want to increase the positive aspects in the relationship. Of course we all have complaints and negative aspects in the relationship, but to study Journal of Clinical Psychology It shows that it is easier to increase the positives than to decrease the negatives (though a good therapist will help you do both!).

Instead of focusing on negative behaviors (“We need therapy because you’re doing everything wrong!”), focus on hopes for the positive (“I want to laugh and have fun with you more… and therapy can help us do that.”). How can your partner object to this?

Here are four tips for talking to your partner about starting counseling:

• Explain your feelings clearly, without interruption, in a serious, calm voice. Briefly review the things you’re trying to do to “fix” the relationship. Explain that your next (and perhaps last) attempt is to seek therapy.
• Don’t blame or shout.
• Keep it short. Don’t sit and tell the same stories and feelings for hours.
• Do your research and have the names of therapists handy.

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3. Where can we find a therapist or coach?

There are several ways finding a compatible relationship expert:

• Ask family and friends you know who may have worked with someone.
• Consult your OB/GYN or primary care doctor.
• Find someone online. When you search online, you are presented with the opportunity to read professionals’ profiles and “feel” whether you would be a good fit for their approach to therapy.
• Additionally, you can seek spiritual guidance in any way that is comfortable for you.

4. How do we know if the consultant is right for us?

Most therapists offer free phone consultations. Take advantage of this. It allows you to talk to them and See if they specialize in your presentation topic.

Someone once told me that he made an appointment because he liked the tone of my voice. Trust your instincts. When you’re ready, reach out to one or two people. See if they offer an initial consultation you might consider:

• Do you and your partner feel understood?
• Do you feel a connection with this professional?
• Has this person been able to help others with similar situations or needs?
• What does your partner think of this person?
• Do you think this person is honest and impartial in the sense that he or she can understand both you and your views and needs in the relationship without taking sides with either of you?
• Can you see yourself trusting them with your relationship’s pain points, questions, doubts, and fears?

The answers to these questions are clues that you have found a compatible professional to work with.

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5. How do we know if couples counseling is working for us?

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Once you begin couples therapy, make sure you are both comfortable with the therapist. Be honest even when it’s hard. The office should feel safe and professional. A. Case study of long-term couples counseling Frontiers in Psychology It encourages you to make sure the therapist is engaged, focused, and offers meaningful feedback.

If You don’t feel good about the therapistIt might be a good idea to look for a better match. A professional therapist should let you know whether therapy is helping, whether you should consider separation or divorce, whether you are motivated enough to reconcile, or whether you have individual issues you need to work on first.

Trust your instincts! If you have a therapist who allows you to yell at each other during the session, this does not foster a sense of safety (with your partner or therapist).

Therapy works when you have permission to “make space” for alternative forms of interaction, reconnection, and change, and when it offers you communication tools and coping skills. shown at the Gottman Institute Marriage Survival Kit. If you’re going to a therapist’s office to do the same thing you do at home, it’s time to try a new professional.

If one or both of you feel that the professional is on one of your sides and is no longer in balance, raise that concern immediately and move on if necessary.

Additionally, sometimes the timing for relationship growth and healing may not be the same for both people in the relationship, and while it is sometimes wise for couples to turn to a professional for help, that same professional is likely to be an excellent choice for one partner. you individually.

Individual help from a professional can greatly assist your relationship patterns and go a long way in helping you create a happy, thriving relationship and marriage.

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Anne Crowley is a licensed psychologist with more than 15 years of experience working with adolescents, adults, and couples in a variety of settings.

Lori Edelson is a psychotherapist who works with adults and children for mood disorders, personality disorders, grief, and more.

Debra Gordy She is a former relationship therapist who has worked in the field of energy psychology for over 30 years.