Dear Eric: My mother and father divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 3. He went with our father and I with my mother. We would see each other on holidays and in the summer. Both parents remarried and had two more children. There is a difference in our ages of seven to nine years or more.

My brother and I were treated less like family and more like a resentment. Fortunately, we had loving grandparents who showed us love and created safe places for us when we were around.

Fast forward to today, we are both retired, have families, and are all around well off. We worked hard to build and maintain relationships with our parents and step-parents/siblings. I thought progress was being made.

Both parents passed away within a two-year period. Both step parents redid their wills to exclude us from them. I am shocked. Less for me, but for my children and their grandchildren.

I was left with an angry residue of my past resentments resurfacing. There is nothing I want from my mother and father. This has nothing to do with money; Nothing much, I know. I just don’t know how to proceed. Do I see them as ghosts? Can you stop calling, writing, and visiting because you feel so one-sided? I did most of the work and effort to maintain a relationship.

– Light Stepchild

Mr. Slighted: Your stepparents seem like such insignificant people. They can arrange their will however they want, but it’s telling that they didn’t make the big change until after your parents were gone. It doesn’t quite suit me. It feels callous and calculated. And unnecessarily so.

Despite the intrigue surrounding their property, you still decide what you want from them. There is also a version of this where you decide that these are people not worth knowing. They came into your life at a vulnerable moment and they were not kind. “I deserve better than this; “I’m leaving this relationship in the past.”

Alternatively, you can say: “I want to have a relationship and it feels one-sided. What can we do to change that?” And see what they come up with But honestly, I don’t know if it’s worth your time.

Finally, if you haven’t read Ann Patchett’s wonderful, excellent novel, “Commonwealth,” you may want to pick it up. It’s about a blended family, and some of the themes may resonate strongly with you in a comforting way.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. follow him instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at: rericthomas.com.

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