Erica Grace is an author, lawyer and consultant parent date A person who believes that a single person (someone without children) can have a healthy and long-term relationship (I would call it marriage) with their parent.

“I’m tired of saying ‘No.’ “I want to fall in love again, and I have two kids,” Grace tells ESSENCE. The author is a divorced single parent herself, but her relationship and expertise with parental dating didn’t start that way.

The New York native was once single, childless, and dating a man with a daughter. The couple fell in love, got married, and had children of their own. Eight years after marriage, she chose to leave her marriage following infidelity. In the midst of her devastation, Grace chose to turn her sadness into service. This was the catalyst for his new book. Getting Married on Visible. The self-help text had been in the works for six years, but Grace’s motivation to put her insights to paper and announce them to the world was a divorce.

“I came into this as a single girl, dating one parent. So this allowed me to fully understand the various players in a blended family,” the author tells ESSENCE. “If I can help someone Negative If I’m in this situation I’m in, so that their marriage doesn’t end due to lack of boundaries or lack of preparation, then I feel like I’ve done something to the pain.

Inside Getting Married on VisibleErica Grace offers a “road map” for determining what it takes to be in a high-level commitment with someone who has children, but the author insists the book is a tool for stepparents. single parents and single people dating the same parents. It explores themes such as limit settingco-parenting and step-parenting from her perspective and that of her interviewees, as their anecdotes are intertwined throughout the text. As single parenthood becomes increasingly common in the United States, 23% of children live with a single parentThere is no doubt about the relevance of the text, especially for those in the dating pool.

With Grace, people are thinking about dating someone with kids (or even totally against this idea). Here she discusses things to consider, healthy blended families, the pain of leaving a relationship when you’re the mother or father figure, and much more.

SYNOPSIS: You begin The Seeming Marriage by discussing your experience as a single teenager dating someone with children – what some of your blind spots were What should others pay attention to?

Erica Grace: It’s easy to get blindsided in the early stages of dating. You become blind to the sweetness of a child, blinded by love, perhaps even lost in your passion for a person. This person you’re dating, who you love, or who you lust after is telling you things that may not be the full picture. So if I were more knowledgeable and knew what to look out for, I would have seen the flags. To have healthy blended families or healthy parenting relationships, boundaries need to be set from the beginning. And so it became the meat and potatoes of the book.

What are the most important considerations when entering into a relationship with a parent as a single person?

If you are dating a noncustodial parent, you should ask if the person you are dating has a parenting agreement. How often are they with their children? Do they spend every weekend with you instead of their children? If so, this is a red flag. Do they contribute financially to their children’s lives? What is their relationship with the child’s other biological parent? It will take time to understand the relationship between the parent you are dating and the child’s other biological parent, but pay attention to the communications between them. When you are driving with your partner and does your partner answer your child’s calls to your child’s other biological parent? How do these people interact; Are they friendly? How are the text messages between them? You can go back 10 years by text messaging my ex-husband. You will see that not every conversation we have is deleted. Then, April 2023, you will see the change in the nature of our conversations between our divorce and the present. After this exchange, there was nothing left that even remotely suggested that I was romantically involved with him.

On the other hand, if you are dating a custodial parent, you should understand that your dates need to be planned; There is not much room for spontaneity. But ask yourself, what are their relationships with their children? How do they interact? What are their levels of respect? Does a mother call her son “My King”? What is their parenting style? How do they discipline their children? Is this completely different from how you would want to discipline if you had a child together? Keep in mind that this person’s parenting style probably won’t change.

How should a parent with children approach dating by more than one person?

Now multiply whatever you’re dealing with by two or three. And if your partner has a problem with one of their exes but not the other, you’re still dealing with a mess. I don’t think people should be counted out of the dating pool just because they have multiple exes, but you better do your due diligence.

In another chapter you talk about the order of events. You say that in partnership, God comes first, then the spouse, then the children, and finally everyone else. How did you develop this layout?

When you come from a nuclear family, there is no question of who comes first in this situation. The situation is quite different when you have a blended family because most of the time the child existed before your new partner. So it can get weird, especially if no boundaries have been set with that child.

So if you let your child live where your partner should be, it’s going to get really sticky when you introduce someone new. So if you’re a woman who refers to your son as your “king,” good luck finding a new “king” to bring into that space. Or if you’re a father who’s introverted enough to trust his daughter, or if she’s doing the dishes or taking care of the little kids, that makes it harder or harder for someone to get into that space. You automatically become the bad stepparent because now everything changes because a new person comes along. The key to this is that you need to be in a truly healed space to make sure you choose a good partner.

But yes, your spouse comes before your children. You should ensure this togetherness with your partner, especially when there are young children playing. You want to make sure that you are co-parenting them as a unit and that all children, whether from a previous relationship or union, are loved the same, disciplined the same, and all things equal. And if you don’t keep it in order, then there will be disorder in your home.

In the book, you explore the subject of grief; more specifically, when you break up with him parent, you then separate from your child. But as you explain, it goes beyond that. What is it like to grieve while dating a parent and being part of a blended family?

Strangely, the mourning section was written before the divorce. This came from me growing up in a nuclear family and having to really grieve that. I always loved my stepdaughter, but I realized that there would always be another adult who had a say in what was going on. I was also sorry that he couldn’t attend every event. I had to suffer for this.

After the divorce, this section expanded. So, as a single person who is going to marry someone with children, I think you should feel sad that you won’t be able to have this traditional family. Then, as a single mother, I had to grieve that my children had to leave home and sometimes couldn’t be with me, and it was very painful. I wrote a chapter titled “Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bathwater” because it focuses on what happens when a marriage ends. What will happen to my relationship with my stepdaughter? I raised him for eight years. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to my children and her siblings.

What are your hopes for this book? What insights or inspiration can you provide to readers with or without children who want to have a healthy, sustainable, long-term relationship?

I hope married people can use this as a recalibration tool. I hope not only stepparents but also parents who have relationships with people who are stepparents actually read this book. They need to understand their blind spots; Maybe they need to give their spouses a say. Maybe they need to start from scratch in some ways. I hope this allows people to recalibrate so they can develop a healthier union. I also hope that people who are in extremely unhealthy relationships will have the strength to leave. There is a chapter in the book called “Know When to Go.” People should not be in a relationship that will cause them pain in any way. Discomfort is good, pain is not.

Singles should not blindly enter into a relationship with a parent, let alone marriage. Ask the questions. And for single parents, once you get married, everything becomes God, your spouse, and your children’s order. But when you go out, you go out for yourself and your children. Choose a partner who is meaningful to you and your child.