Dear Annie: I am a nurse who must be the full-time caregiver for my mother in her 90s. I have siblings; But when I ask for help there is always an excuse. I haven’t had a holiday in a few years.
A friend of mine, who is also a nurse, offered to babysit my mother so I could have a long weekend off. I was so grateful for his generous offer. My mom is very comfortable with this friend, so I made plans to take a well-deserved vacation. I checked in while I was away and everything was working fine.
When I returned, my mother told me that my friend had deep cleaned several rooms in our house. I’m not a bad cleaner, but my priority is to take care of my mother, so I clean as much as I can. He brought additional food even though I told him I had shopped before he arrived. I didn’t ask her to clean or bring food and I’m ashamed of what she did.
My mother said that when she saw what my friend did, she told her that I would be ashamed. My friend ignored my mother’s advice and continued cleaning.
I told my friend that I appreciated her giving me some time, but that I wished she had asked me before cleaning up and bringing us additional food that wasn’t needed. He said he liked to keep busy and I could see that he wasn’t aware of my discomfort. While I was grateful to have a few days off, I now realized that I didn’t want this friend in my house again. Am I being ungrateful? How can I proceed? — Crushed
Dear Confused: Your friend probably saw the extra work as part of the care he was providing. Instead of interpreting this as a reflection on your ability to keep things organized, reframe this experience as a friend who wants to go above and beyond after seeing how hard you work for your mom.
Compulsive cleaners are often driven by the need to control their situation. This is not special for you. It’s up to you whether to accept his help in the future.

Dear Annie: I read your column from a 16-year-old “Love Wins” girl who asked if it was okay to be secretly engaged to her boyfriend, who were both still in high school. I agree with your assessment that something must be wrong if something this important has to remain a secret.
I wanted to add that the practice of engagement rings is a tradition that was forgotten only a few generations ago. A boy around his boyfriend’s age would give his high school sweetheart a cheap ring and then wait a few years to actually get engaged.
The move gives the couple a chance to enter the real world together and see what it’s like to be an adult couple with jobs, college education, hobbies, and goals that don’t always align. It will also be something shared publicly. Maybe “Love Wins” should go this route? — Young Married, Twenty Years
Dear Married Young Person: Thank you for your letter. A handful of readers also wrote in with the same sweet suggestion. I agree that the intention behind a promise ring would reflect the love these two have for each other, but without having to hide it or rushing into a lifelong commitment until they’re older and fully ready to commit to it – it’s the perfect next step.

Send questions to Annie Lane at: [email protected].

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