Dear Eric: My partner and I bought a new house and are settling in nicely. He and his ex had been married for 10 years and she was mentally and emotionally abusive towards him. It took a lot of strength for him to leave.

They do not have children, pets or any property together. It had to be a clean break; but still communicates with him.

He recently sent her a card in the mail. Inside was a housewarming gift, a $1,000 gift card.

Two weeks later, he sent her a letter saying how much he still loved her, missed her, and wished she would let him into her life and change. He’s not buying it.

She knows he’s manipulative, but she also doesn’t confront him about letting go. Instead he chooses to ignore it and believes that any reaction will only escalate his behavior further.

I trust my partner and I know there is nothing funny going on. I also think this isn’t healthy for anyone.

He had talked in the past about how obligated he felt to her (he saved her life a long time ago). I also don’t believe he’s been forthcoming about our relationship, and I doubt he even knows we live together, so I feel like a secret (he definitely despises me). None of this feels good to me and bringing it up only causes tension. If we do, he acts like I’m the one with the problem and that’s totally normal. What are you thinking?

– Silent Partner

Dear Partner: A thousand dollars and a manipulative love confession? This is neither normal nor is it a problem that will just go away. Your partner is either deceiving himself or trying to deceive you.

Additionally, his reticence to draw clear boundaries with his ex or even tell him that you are living together indicates that he is not ready to let go of this abusive relationship. It’s not her fault, but she has a responsibility to address this situation for the sake of her mental and emotional health and the health of your relationship going forward.

It can be difficult to move on. Recovery from emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships takes a long time and is often more complicated than it initially appears. But if he’s not actively working on it, he can’t make progress. Your conversations may be less tense if you start by acknowledging that your relationship with your ex is still complicated and likely contains many conflicting feelings toward him or her. But he also needs to understand that your problems with your ex’s behavior are not “your” problem, but a relationship problem in which he plays a large role.