Look, relationships are hard and none of us are perfect. We’re all guilty of not being so kind to our partner at some point, that’s life. But sometimes the occasional dig or offhand bad comment is more than just a bad moment and are signs that you’re a toxic partner.

Beyond physical abuse, some relationship red flags can be overlooked as common ways to cope. This is a mistake. Distinguished relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identified four additional categories of toxic behavior in relationships: constant criticism, regular defensiveness, condescension, and stonewalling. These behaviors are so damaging to relationships that Gottman calls them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Here are 6 signs, according to psychology, that a person has a toxic personality from the start:

1. They never admit guilt

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If one finds oneself struggling with different partners over and over again, the harsh truth is There may be a common denominator in the problem: them.

“If you tend to blame all the problems in your relationship on your partner, you’re likely overlooking your role in the problem,” says marriage and family counselor Jessica Wade, who explains that accepting responsibility is vital. Research from the Gottman Institute It points out how damaging it is to play the blame game in one’s relationship.

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2. They say things they don’t mean

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Words spoken in anger cannot be said Really will be taken back. Marriage and family counselor Lisa Bahar “You’re crazy” or “What’s wrong with you?” Explains expressions such as. It leads to invalidating environments. In these cases, the root of the problem often lies in reacting hastily.

“Instead of assuming you know what’s going on, check the facts of what you’re reacting to,” says Bahar, adding that it helps to learn “healthy assertion skills” rather than resorting to passive aggression. Research from the University of Georgia tells us this It may be useful to discuss for a relationship, but only if it is constructive and not negative.

3. “It’s their way or the highway”

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Another common behavior that can wear down a relationship is refusing to acknowledge your partner’s influence. Wade explains that if your partner feels like their opinions aren’t valued, it can be harmful beyond simple stubbornness.

Fortunately, he says, with determination, this can be overcome really hearing their partners. Active listening can improve relationships, Confirmed research in 2014.

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4. They are unhealthily dependent on their partners

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Adding toxicity to a relationship is not just about how you treat your partner, but also how you treat yourself. If someone relies on the relationship to feel good, “That’s a sign that something underlying needs to be addressed,” Wade explains.

This can culminate in threats of self-harm, he says. “If someone has said or thought, ‘If they leave me, I’ll kill myself’ or something like that, it’s time to take a break from the relationship and get help.” be dependent on each other Attacking your partner for happiness will not end well for you and may cause your partner to become angry with you. The 2022 study confirms.

5. They deliberately punish their partners

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Although it may seem harmless, Wade warns: give the silent treatment or withholding intimacy due to minor infractions are signs of manipulation. Of course, they may feel like they’re just trying to send a message, but there’s a better way to express their frustration. Cleveland Clinic research shows that: He says the silent treatment can be harmful because it affects the same areas of the brain that process physical pain.

Take, for example, the milk your partner can’t remember from the store: Instead of sulking, Wade suggests calmly explaining to your partner that dinner is delayed and will require a return trip to the store. “Scolding, yelling, and punishing are rarely effective on children, so skip them in the relationship, too,” she notes.

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6. They ‘playfully’ slap their partners

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In a study conducted in 2010, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines physical violence as “slapping, shoving, or shoving.” By these parameters, more than five million men reported being victimized by their partners last year.

It is absolutely unacceptable that there is such a thin line between a slap that leaves no trace and a slap that is much more dangerous. Moreover, Baher explains that “harmless slapping” is symptomatic of an inability to express emotions appropriately; This means it’s probably best to step back from the relationship and seek help from a professional counselor.

In the presence of these behaviors, the important thing is to first accept that there is a problem. This will give the relationship a better chance of success and give them better coping skills going forward.

“What I see is that most people are not always aware that their behavior is harmful,” he says. “Once they understand the impact on the relationship, they may desire to make a change, and they often do.”

If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you have done wrong. If you think you are in danger, you can get support 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you cannot speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.

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Emily Glover writes about body positivity, motherhood, and marriage in Colorado. Her quotes can be found on Babble, Ravishly, Bustle, Romper and more.