Dear Eric: I am one of four siblings. While my siblings live far away, I live close to my 102-year-old mother, but I am not with her. Over the past 12 years, I have gradually taken on more of his care, although he generally makes his own decisions and is financially secure. She depends on me for cooking, shopping, dates, and companionship.

After some thought, he decided he would be safer and happier in assisted living. Naturally, he is sad to leave his home where he has lived for years. I support his decision to move because he needs more care and more stimulation.

My siblings visit three to four times a year and do not contribute consistently to his care. They are trying to find ways for him to stay in his own home.

All of the options they suggested require a lot of work for my mom and me. He doesn’t want someone to live with him, and I don’t want to hire, fire, train, and supervise multiple caregivers. His options assume that I will always be here to take care of him.

My siblings are coming to visit soon and they want to discuss how they can keep mom in her own home. I’m afraid they’ll persuade him not to move. I have to tell them that unless some or all of them move here, they need to move into assisted living. I love my mother and I know my siblings do too. I don’t think they understand how much help he needs. How do I tell them I can’t do this anymore without making my mom feel guilty about what I did for her?

– My Tired Daughter

My Dear Daughter: It sounds like your mother made a conscious decision; It’s not an easy decision, but it’s a decision that will help him have a good quality of life and maintain his autonomy. So, although your brother’s contribution may be well-intentioned, what they’re implicitly saying is that neither you nor your mother know what’s best for him. And this is not true.

Just talk to siblings before their visit to emphasize that your mother is able to make her own decisions and they should respect that. Also emphasize to them that you have the perspective that they don’t know what day-to-day help is like. Be very firm and clear about the parts of their idea that are not feasible or ask too much of you. There is no need to argue. Your mother knows what you want.

Pointing out gaps in their thinking without your mother present may help them understand your mother better without making them feel guilty.

If they still insist on meeting, encourage your mother to speak her mind and consider options. You’ve built a relationship with him where he maintains his strength, and you’re likely able to express your perspective and opinions honestly. This will really help here.