Do you repeatedly enter into relationships with people who treat you coldly?

Do you feel like you are inherently flawed in some way and that no one who truly knows you can love and accept you?

Do you put the needs of others above your own so that your needs are never met?

Are you afraid that something bad will happen to you, that even a mild sore throat can lead to a terrible disease?

Do you find yourself feeling unhappy, inadequate, or undeserving no matter how much public recognition or social approval you receive?

If you do this, we call these patterns “life traps.” The life trap is a pattern that begins in childhood and, if not resolved, stays with us throughout life. We will identify and work on these life traps in the next six to eight columns. It basically starts with something our parents or other children did to us. One does not have to be chemically dependent to have life traps. Ask psychologists who deal with people on a daily basis about these thoughts. For chemically dependent patients, these life traps are a major obstacle to recovery and sobriety if left untreated. How can chemically dependent people solve any life trap that sees a counselor for 10 minutes every six weeks at some rehab centers? I will return to this thought later when we get into the treatment of life traps.

Okay, our parents or other children did something to us. We have been abandoned, criticized, overprotected, abused, ostracized or deprived; We were damaged in some way. When I was growing up, my family was strict. But there is a difference between corporal punishment and physical, mental and sexual abuse. The most important factor was that I knew our parents loved us and wanted the best for us.

If we got hit for inappropriate behavior, we needed to change that behavior or further consequences could occur. Everything today is exploitation and that is irrational. Life traps are very, very abusive and have been one of the contributing factors to teenage suicide rates in today’s teenage society, especially among teenage girls. Social media has been no friend to life traps, in fact it has encouraged young people to do more destructive things to themselves and others.

The trap of life eventually becomes a part of us. Long after we leave the home in which we grew up, we continue to create situations in which we are mistreated, ignored, humiliated, or controlled, and in which we fail to achieve our desired goals.

Life traps determine how we think, feel, act, and relate to others. They trigger strong feelings of anger, rage, shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, and fear. For chemically dependent patients (alcohol and other drugs), none of these uncomfortable negative emotions are a luxury, especially when drinking and using. These “self-esteem” Because even if we have everything such as social status, an ideal marriage, the respect of our relatives, career success, we cannot enjoy life or believe in our successes.

Over the years, as a chemical dependency counselor, I treated those living under bridges and those living in attics earning $450,000 a year. It didn’t matter who you were because these were the problems they brought with them into adulthood. I think as you read this article you’re wondering how someone who makes so much money can be completely miserable and not know who he is, what his goals are, and how to achieve them.

I don’t want to leave you stuck “So, what are these life traps?” I will describe them as a group and begin to explain their situation in your life in my next article.

These are: abandonment, mistrust and abuse, dependency, vulnerability, emotional deprivation, social exclusion, imperfection, failure, subjugation, rigid standards, entitlement.

There are 11 life traps in total.

For more information about this article or related topics, call 716-983-1592.

Mike Tramuta is a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy consultant.