As a therapist, I have noticed that many people feel powerless when it comes to marriage, assuming that both partners must agree to clean up a relationship that has become messy. But if you’re the first person to notice that your relationship is problematic, it’s your responsibility to take the first steps toward fixing the problem.

Even if your spouse or partner seems completely controlled, unplugged, and doesn’t seem to care, you can still make a difference.

To be clear, I’m not saying you’re the only one who needs to change to have a great marriage. The mess you’re in isn’t entirely your fault. But the effort you make now is more important than you think.

Four ways to fix a messy marriage – even if you have to do it on your own

1. Be the first to do things differently

By being the first to do a few things differently, you can start a positive chain reaction. The important thing is to take action. New action. Different action.

Remember, nothing changes when you do the same things over and over again. There is no way to reconnect with your partner by staying stuck in the same pattern.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, you need to change some things you do. To get out of the place where you think your marriage is on a downward spiral and doomed to fail, you’ll need to change some of your reactions to your partner. you will have to Get out of your comfort zone, shake it up and take risks.

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2. Remember your “why”

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The first action step should start in your head. Take a moment and think about this question: Why do I want to save my marriage? You can be inspired 2 reasons Gottman Institute. Really. Speak clearly Why do you want to stay together and you have a happy marriage.

Because you swore? Because you don’t want a divorce? Because you don’t want to break your child’s heart? Because you have a deep and lasting love? Because leaving will be expensive? Because you know you can have a great relationship if you solve a few problems, right? What else? Be specific.

Now take out a piece of paper and write this question at the top of the page: “Why do I want to save my marriage?” Then write down all the answers you found. Once you understand your “why,” be as detailed as possible and put the paper in a safe place.

You can refer back to it later when you get discouraged. In the meantime, focus on your “why” as you move on to the next two steps.

3. Take some of your focus away from problems

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I want you to have the courage to stop focusing on your marriage problems. I know this seems backwards, but I assure you it is not. If you’re going to fix this, you have to stop talking about all the wrong things. Here’s how to do this:

• Stop talking to your spouse about your marital problems.
• Don’t tell him what he did wrong.
• Don’t tell him what he should do differently.
• Stop blaming your partner.
• Stop giving your friends every single detail of your last fight.

Ruminating about problems, rehashing conflicts, endlessly analyzing unhealthy patterns, blaming your partner for everything that’s wrong, and arguing about the same things over and over again; These are some of the things that keep you stuck. It was discovered by a research Marriage and Family Magazine.

Take a break from these habits and watch what happens. When thoughts of your marital problems start to creep into your mind and you find yourself focusing on them again, here’s what I want you to do. Guide yourself by:

• Make a gratitude list.
• Sing a song.
• Turn on the tune and dance.
• Do something you’ve been putting off.
• Call a friend.
• Take ten slow, deep breaths.

Doing these types of self-care activities (what I call a detox, where I stop focusing on the problem) will help you relax, be more creative, find joy, see what’s going right, uncover hidden solutions, and gain clarity about what’s going on. you want and you need.

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4. Do 180 degrees

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What is 180? What I mean by “doing a 180 degree angle” is making conscious choices to do the exact opposite of what you are doing (at a 180 degree angle) in response to worrying about your relationship.

When relationships are troubled, people often react in one of two ways. People tend to either become more attached to their partners or more distant from their partners.

Do you think your reaction to your current relationship problem is to become clingy or distant? Are you pursuing your partner or trying to take time and space away from your partner?

Either way, this action step is to do a 180 degree. You will need to start doing the exact opposite of what you have been doing lately.

If your instinct is to hug your partner during difficult times (getting your partner to talk, being affectionate, spending time together, planning a date night, texting during the day, or doing an activity together), you need to have the courage to take a step back.

What I want you to do right now is to take a deep breath and focus on yourself without doing anything. Just breathe. And be a little intimate with that younger part of you that is so afraid of being abandoned. Tell him that he will get better and that this is the way to get more of what he needs.

If you are stuck and holding on tight, my advice is to hold on loosely but don’t let go. Embark on one of these adventures:

• Go out to dinner with a safe friend.
• Join a yoga class.
• Buy a new book to read.
• Take a bubble bath.
• Call a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time.
• Go for a walk.
• Write in your diary.
• Meditate.
• Pursue a hobby.
• Attend a class you will enjoy.

The important thing is that you get rid of the death grip you have on your partner by being supported by a support. to study Journal of Evolutionary Psychology. I swear it drives them crazy!

On the other hand, if you are isolating yourself and not willing to connect with your partner because you are afraid of them doing you wrong, you need to step in and move towards them.

You can start by taking a deep breath and having a reassuring conversation with your inner child (who is probably afraid of being overwhelmed, consumed, or scrutinized by your partner). Let your younger half know that you can always have some alone time when you need it.

Once you calm that part of yourself, you will need to be brave and move towards your partner.

Yes, I’m serious! It’s time to start interacting and reconnecting with your partner Again. I don’t mean every minute of the day. But do at least one thing every day that will move you towards your partner.

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Here’s how you can advance to your partner:

• Take her out on a date.
• Sending him a few texts out of the blue while at work.
• Offering to cook dinner together.
• Surprise him by playing “Your Song” and dancing in the living room.
• I give him a long welcome hug.
• We’re talking about your days.
• Cuddling on the couch.
• Replacing shoulder or foot massages.
• Telling him you miss him.
• Writing a love letter to your spouse.
• Holding hands while walking.

Now that you know the tips on how to save your marriage on your own, I recommend you try them. But if you’re still frustrated that you should be the one trying to change, or you’re worried that your partner won’t end up looking different or won’t even notice, these are signals that it’s time to talk to a professional.

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Lynda Spann, Ph.D., LMFT, is a relationship therapist and coach.