Dear Eric: My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 3. He went with our father and I with my mother. We would see each other on holidays and in the summer. Both parents remarried and had two more children. There is a difference in our ages of seven to nine years or more.

My brother and I were treated less like family and more like a resentment. Fortunately, we had loving grandparents who showed us love and created safe places for us when we were around.

Fast forward to today, we are both retired, have families, and are all around well off. We worked hard to build and maintain relationships with our parents and step-parents/siblings. I thought progress was being made.

Both parents passed away within a two-year period. Both step-parents redid their wills to remove us from them. I am shocked. Less for me, but for my children and their grandchildren.

I was left with an angry residue of my past resentments resurfacing. There is nothing I want from my mother and father. This has nothing to do with money; Nothing much, I know. I just don’t know how to proceed. Do I see them as ghosts? Can you stop calling, writing, and visiting because you feel so one-sided? I did most of the work and effort to maintain a relationship.

—Little Stepchild

Dear Slighted: Your stepparents seem like such insignificant people. They can arrange their will however they want, but it’s telling that they didn’t make the big change until after your parents were gone. It doesn’t quite suit me. It feels callous and calculated. And unnecessarily so.

Despite the intrigue surrounding their property, you still decide what you want from them. There is also a version of this where you decide that these are people not worth knowing. They came into your life at a vulnerable moment and they were not kind. “I deserve better than this; “I’m leaving this relationship in the past.”

Alternatively, you can say: “I want to have a relationship and it feels one-sided. What can we do to change that?” And see what they come up with But honestly, I don’t know if it’s worth your time.

Finally, if you haven’t read Ann Patchett’s wonderful, excellent novel, “Commonwealth,” you may want to pick it up. It’s about a blended family, and some of the themes may resonate strongly with you in a comforting way.

Dear Eric: My aunt, whom I have loved and known since she was a child, recently purchased two little “doodle” dogs. He brought them with him for an overnight visit over the weekend.

They barked at every little sound; Like someone entering a room, a door opening or closing. My sister-in-law’s response to her dogs was ineffective.

My weekend with their dogs had me worried and it was hard for me to enjoy my visitors.

It was worse for me to tolerate, as I have experience both professionally (with children) and personally (with dogs) in analyzing and modifying behavior problems. It’s easy for me to see what reinforces dogs’ behavior.

My dilemma is this: Should I not let her bring her dogs to the next visit, or should I not let her teach her how to handle dogs’ behavior by making a visit that includes bringing the dogs, depending on my sister-in-law? He doesn’t seem bothered by the relentless barking and barking.

—Dog Is Tired

Dear Tired: Although your experience is with children and dogs, the behavior you want to change most seems to be your adult sister-in-law’s behavior. This will create a problem.

It’s okay to tell him that the dogs were making too much noise last time and ask him to leave them behind on the next visit. This, of course, makes the visit less welcoming as he will need to find a suitable dog sitter. And he may choose to stay at home. If you accept that possibility and aren’t going to get mad at him for it, great.

It’s also okay if you offer to teach them a better way to care for their dog. But are you making this a prerequisite for spending time with you? I can’t see how this wouldn’t cause resentment.

You have a long and loving relationship. You can tell him that dogs tickle your nerves and that you can give him some tips if he’s receptive to them. Lots of defamatory behavior is no reason to fuel a feud. Talk to him/her without judgment. Offer help, but accept “no, thank you” if that’s the answer.

Communicating clearly without trying to control her will make it easier to plan the next date. And this gives him the power to consider your feelings as well as his own.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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