when i come back severe dissociative disorderI was a dream employee. I didn’t feel anything, so nothing could get in the way of my work. I could handle it all: sleep deprivation, burnout, hunger, illness, pain. I answered calls and emails at all hours of the day, and if I didn’t have boundaries, my coworkers wouldn’t be able to violate them.

Of course the bosses loved me; I was a hardworking woman who could never say no, but this dynamic benefited me for a long time.

I could pretend like nothing was wrong with me. Workaholism itself is a form of dissociation that our culture rewards with raises, promotions, and congratulations for a life well lived.

In his biography, Steve JobsAbandonment fueled the tech mogul’s success, writes Walter Isaacson. Steve Jobs was given up for adoption when he was born. He spent his life chasing money, recognition, and status in order to prove that he was wanted and valuable. But external verification could not fill this gap.

Those closest to Steve Jobs described him as “volatile” and “intense.” He denied paternity of his daughter eliminated all charity programs When he returned to Apple. Jobs divided his staff into two categories: “gods” or “d*ckheadsDepending on whether they can meet his brutal demands. He often dismissed “shitheads” on the spot and in front of his peers.

Yet our culture idolizes this man as a leader, a visionary, and the epitome of the American dream.

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After I recovered, I didn’t want to participate anymore.

At 28, I finally received treatment for my dissociative disorder. using a Trauma therapy technique called EMDRI returned to my body and realized that I was something beneath the numbness. highly sensitive person.

That’s why I disconnected it in the first place. Screams, violence, depression and madness in my childhood home; I overloaded my hyper attuned sensesso I shut myself down to survive. But now that I could feel again, I was no longer the employee of my dreams.

How was I going to be successful when I absorbed other people’s emotions like a sea sponge? How could I spend 40 hours a week in the office when the noise was deafening? Table conversations. Taxis honking their horns on the city streets. The incessant hum of fluorescents overhead.

How could I bear it when the pain I had kept inside me for twenty years now demanded to be felt? Still, even I wasn’t neurodivergent, I would struggle to succeed in a traditional corporate job.

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From where? Because corporate America wasn’t designed for women.

nine to five workday Designed for men who are free, 24-hour domestic support. After an eight-hour shift, they would return to a clean house and sit down to a home-cooked meal. The children were fed, washed and prepared for bed. The men had done their work for the day and everything else was being taken care of.

Most women now do all of these, whether single or not. Pew Research Center’s research It shows that most married women, in addition to quitting their jobs, also take on most of the domestic responsibilities. They cook, clean, and take care of their children before, after, and during work.

Progress at work isn’t much better. According to a recently published reportThe treatment of women in professional settings is largely the same as it was a decade ago. Yes, companies are mandating inclusivity training, but cheesy videos and tick-the-box surveys haven’t changed people’s behavior.

Women at work are still three times more likely to be interruptedtheir ideas are passed off as someone else’s, they are judged for their appearance and emotional state, and they are mistaken for lower-level employees or other women of the same race. Women are still was punished for speaking.

Shortly after starting therapy, fired from leadership role Because I refused to compromise my integrity for a company’s unethical gain. No matter how cheesy videos tell us to report discriminatory behavior, the subtext is clear:

If women want to climb the corporate ladder, they need to shut up, toughen up, and put up with it.

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I have no intention of letting myself go anymore.

I’m one of the lucky ones. My mental illness served me long enough to establish myself as a professional in the writing world. Now I’m still working my ass off but I’m doing this Mine conditions.

I have multiple streams of income, so my livelihood will never again depend on the whims of a fickle boss. I only work for clients and employers Respect work-life balance and let me make my schedule. When I’m tackling something difficult, I turn down tasks so I can sit in the discomfort rather than get distracted.

I haven’t stepped into the office in years. Instead, I work under quiet and peaceful protection. the house i have and I share it with a man who treats me like an equal partner.

Most importantly, I have the time and energy to prioritize the things that matter: Relationships. Spirit. Empathy. Improvement. Returning to the way I was before this world convinced me that: sacrifice and external success would fill this gap.

Corporate America wasn’t designed for women like me, and I don’t want what it’s selling anyway.